Being out here has taught me many valuable lessons, but I think the biggest lesson I am learning is how to be alone. Over the years I have grown so addicted to people. So much so, that It has become increasingly hard to be by myself, and this began to stunt my spiritual growth. I was restless during private worship, even if I wanted to tarry in God's presence I just couldn't wait to connect with this person or spend time with that person. And I realized that the reason why I couldn't be alone with God for too long was because I was scared to be alone with myself.
The world within can be a frightening one, and we often neglect addressing our shattered hopes, broken hearts, wounded childhoods and damaged emotions because we just can't handle the pain of facing it alone. But God is ever faithful, and to know Him is to be alone with Him. So alone with Him... that you realize that you are never alone.
Being out here in Cambodia, with everyone you love and care about thousands of miles away, leaves you with no one - but God. It has been rough at times, but it has forced me to face hidden long suppressed issues that have gone unchecked for years. With no one to run to but God, I find myself going deeper in His Word and crying out to him more and more as my only Help - and in all actuality even with all my friends and family He is still the only Help. I can't wait for the day that I choose to abide in God and I don't have to, like a horse who has to be bribed by bit and bridle, be coerced into spending time with Him because I have no other option.
Jesus says to me, and to all of us, "though your pain touch no responsive chord in any heart on earth, look unto Me and live." He is here with us, always, always, all the time. The Lord delays in responding to our prayers not because he is busy or angry but to teach us that prayer is no vain thing. It is not a futile exercise we engage in to gain some sort of heavenly merit. But we must learn to abide, learn to fall on our knees coming to Jesus - in the mess that we are in, with the feelings that we have - knowing that he cares and is near. Man.... Jesus is the best lover.
This spoke to me so much. I remember when I began learning this lesson. It's not over yet. But God is preparing me (and I see you too). Learning to trust God alone. Realizing that you have your own relationship with God and while He can speak to you through others, He loves talking directly to you, if you are listening.
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